Life

 As I sit here at work, I realize I am unfulfilled. The one thing that would bring me happiness, I can't even bring myself to do is my crafting. I very much love to craft, and when I finally get off work, I'm mentally tired, and throwing myself into a craft session doesn't even come into play in my life these days. I have spent the past two years working my ass off to pay off all my bills. I have successfully paid off everything: the house, the car, the credit cards, our property, and I sit here because until our newest vehicle is paid off and we get the loan for the latest build on our property, I feel stuck and stagnant. My plan is to renew my notary license, background check, and insurance so I can hopefully get back into doing signings and work for myself (well, sort of), but I would be traveling all over the state, taking only the jobs I want to take. I could get back into secret shopping and pick up a part-time job somewhere to earn a steady income. But all depends on the monthly payment of this new home we intend to build. In two more months, I will know what that payment will be, and then I can make some decisions. I hope to make some changes in my life that help me feel like my old self again.

The weight loss is finally a thing of the past for me. I am at a healthy weight for me, I am below 200 lbs, and I feel pretty good aside from the arthritis in my neck, which I finally broke down and am seeing a Physical Therapist for, which has been painful as hell, but hopefully that will ease with time. I did have a 80 minute massage this past week and that about killed me I was hurting for about three days I finally am no longer hurting from that. Is it worth it?

The daughter was talking to me for a few weeks recently, and I cosigned a loan for her, and since she got the loan, crickets.  I am sad but not at all surprised she really only contacts me for money or to let me know how awful a mom I am to her. I love her, but she needs to learn to deal with her emotions. I cannot help her, and she doesn't want my help.  Anyway, she has a great job with the hospital and sounds like she has a good guy she is dating, so I am happy for her and proud of her, even if she thinks I am not.  

Our son had a baby, and he is the cutest, sweetest little guy, and we are over the moon in love with him.  They have a cute family, and they are doing pretty well for themselves. They both have good jobs and have even spoken about maybe having another child down the line.  They are doing well at parenting. Even though he was a preemie, he seems to be advancing as a typical baby would.  

That's about all for now. I realized today it's been a year since I wrote anything here. We have been busy traveling and trying to enjoy life as much as possible. I hosted Thanksgiving this year, and we had 16 people over. It was so much fun. I love my family. Since losing dad, we have gotten closer, and I am here for it.  My dad passed away in February 2025. It feels like it was just yesterday. Grief is weird like that.  I miss him!

Alone

 My husband doesn't love everything I love, and the same is true of some of the things he loves to do. But we do quite a bit together. Our friend circle has gotten so small, and our tolerance for BS is why. We are typically okay with it, but when I go thrifting, go to garage sales, or craft those things, I go alone. Sometimes, wouldn't it be fun to have a girlfriend, or even my daughter, to hang out with and do these things? But I just don't have that in my life anymore. I keep my friendships at a distance. I have been burned so many times in my life that I can't bear to have any more loss of friends or family. Even my brother-in-law and sister-in-law avoid doing stuff with us. They never invite us, and when we ask them, they ignore us. Why do I keep trying? I don't know. Some friendships we were used in, and now that we are no longer needed for whatever reason, those friendships have died. Anyway I am alone a lot I am not overly sad about it but once in awhile I think man how cool would it be to be doing this with my friend.  

We have our Tuesday-night friends. We meet for dinner and drinks, and we look forward to that time. One of the gals started inviting us to their home, and we asked them to our home, usually for drinks and a bite to eat, and that was fun, too. In our Tuesday night group, we planned a girls' trip. There are just three of us, and it will be until the end of August. We are going to Wisconsin to our camper for two nights, and we know we will have lots of fun and laughs.

My other friend and I have a cruise planned for January 2025. We go out every couple of months and have a great time. We do many things, so it's always different when we go out. We all like trying new stuff and new events, and we all love live music.

Another couple we see less often but love to do stuff with. We have dinner and drink plans for July 27th, and we always have a great time when we get together. We gals are planning a trip to Kansas City for a night, so we will talk about that on the 27th.

Well, two out of the three of us did end up going to the camper for a long weekend. It was a blast, our couple of friends, we still do stuff. We love trying new things, so anytime there is an incredible pop-up place or a band we like in town, we go check them out. They have become really good friends. Because of Dustin and my love of live music, we recently (2025) met a new couple we clicked immediately, and to have that happen is so amazing, so we do get together with them, even went to their house for a bonfire, dang that was fun! Anyway, friends come and go, but the older I get, the better the friendships become. I know I could call any of these people, and they would be there for us in a heartbeat, and those are people you keep in your life....  I don't feel alone anymore. Those friendships that died made me feel that way, but I don't look at it that way anymore. They are no longer in our lives, probably for good reason.

It's always about the $$$$

 I spend $41.70 monthly on streaming services, a fraction of what Satellite used to cost us. We occasionally take breaks from some of them, especially when there is nothing new to watch, so sometimes we spend much less. Sometimes, I pause them for camping and traveling because why pay when you can pause them?

I just paid off my Renegade; it was a long six years. I have one more payment for my surgery, which will be paid for this month. It was 100% worth every single dime!

The only bill I have after July is my Home Depot card. I am gonna be better about filling the mini pantry more than my normal once-a-month.

The reason I am at this point is I have spent the past two years paying shit off and working hard at getting things paid off. Could I have done it quicker? YES, but you know Amazon and stuff...

Anyway, the reason I worked hard at paying everything off is so we could take on paying for a septic tank at the WIS property, and we are going to try and get that paid off in a year and a half; that is our goal, given nothing weird happens like when we had 4 appliances take a crap at the same time that was FUN! Then, the roof needed to be replaced. I know life happens, and those sorts of things would have made me cry in my earlier adult years, but we figured it out and rolled with it. Anyway, I am not sure why I am telling anyone all this, other than that I am proud of myself for finally being at this point in life where things aren't hard because there was a time in our lives when we had it rough. Still, we always seem to figure it out, thankfully.

One thing I know for sure is that we don't need the best of the best to be happy. I never play keeping up with Jones; I never have and never will. While everyone around us was becoming house-poor, we were the opposite, living in our cute little bungalow and paying less than $500 taxes and insurance included, and that is how we were able to buy a property where we will build a new home much more significant than our little bungalow only due to the county requirements. Still, I am okay with it. We deserve it. We have worked our asses off to be here.

My husband gets overtime, but I do not, sadly. He also makes three times the amount I do in a year. I never in my wildest dreams thought we would be making the money we do now, and we deserve it. We worked our asses off. Both of us deserve this. Now we are on the downhill slide, one day closer to retirement with each passing day, so while we can and can work, we are gonna kick ass on building this new home. One day, we will sell our current home, pay off the new home, and move to Wisconsin. We are both excited to start this dream home. My few requests are that I have a pantry, a much larger kitchen with plenty of countertop space, and a mud room off the garage. These are my must-haves!!! We have floor plans that we both love. I cannot wait to sit down with a builder and make this happen, but for now, we are gearing up for a loan for the septic tank, and once that is 100% paid off, we will move on to the next step. So I still have to work, LOL, because I will have an entire home to decorate and fill with furniture!! I am so excited!!! The only things we will bring with us are our family photos and our furniture. Other than that, I will decorate much differently than our current home. I will probably have a garage sale before we move, or I might just give it all away. That's more my style, anyway!

Dreams

 I spent the past two years working on getting my debts paid, and I am excited to announce I am down to owing a few more car payments, less than 500 on my surgery, and one small credit card with less than $500.  I have never been so close to being out of debt.   I am bragging because I worked hard. I worked my ass off paying more and sometimes to the point where I had just enough money to get me through until the next payday.  I have never felt more proud, and it's not something you can talk about with others because right now, things are tough for some people, and I know a shitty situation can change the course of me being so close to being completely out of debt.  I started using STASH and investing money. I always wanted to invest in stocks and landed on a good one.  I automatically have money going to STASH each month, and I see it making money, which is so much fun!!!  My next thing is to buy a savings book from Amazon, where you have 100 slots and place money in them.  I have a cruise in January 2025, and I would love to have that spending money and, just once, be completely frivolous and spoil my friends and family with gifts. Who couldn't use $5050 in spending money? I have never spent more than a few hundred dollars on any vacation, so this will be amazing. Now, I have to get cash out, which I never carry, which is new to me, too.  I might not reach $5050 by January, but whatever I save will be amazing!

The reason I worked so hard to get this debt paid down is that we own property in Wisconsin, and we are at the point where we want to get our septic tank installed so we can build while we are still working because the build will be the largest debt we will have.  We aim to pay off the septic tank first and then meet with a builder.  We are giving ourselves 2 years and hopefully, less to pay the septic tank off; it will be around $12-$15K.  We still have trees to clear out and we will have to pay for some of the really large ones because they are just to big for me and my husband to manage we don't have the machinery to take down those mammoth sized trees nor do we feel comfortable doing so.  Once we retire our plan is to sell off our existing home and pay off the new build in Wisconsin and move there permantely.  We do still have our son and daughter in law but being retired I would like to think we can visit them often.  It's about a 5 hour drive so that is totally doable.  We do intend to buy some sort of mini RV we can travel and sleep in we want to see the world!!!!

 

Life without ED December 2023

It took me until this year to feel like even decorating my home for a holiday. I can only go up from here!! I threw out the old and bought a new tree and ornaments. I still kept the ornaments the kids grew up with and even the ones they made me and their dad, but they are safe in a tote. I even bought new decorations to place around the house. I wanted everything new to go with my new life.

My next big do-over is all the living room curtains. My house won't look anything like it did when she lived there. This has taken me a couple of years to get to, and there is no stopping me now.

She was so awful to live with my home became a prison; we had to lock all our valuables up, even the computers. I was so unhappy, and it took me until now to realize she WAS the problem; she was TOXIC, and my home became a place I no longer loved. In fact, I wanted more than anything for my life to just be done. When she left, I felt it all over again, but since then, I have been working on myself, my home, and my love for life again. I love my home again and never felt safe when she lived there. It's my sanctuary now, my safe place, my vacation from the world.

I spent the first year sobbing every night, and the following year, I was just sad, but I could smile more. This year, I am living life. I have abided by her rules of no engagement, and SHE is missing out on her family. I feel bad for her brother, who is tremendously hurt, and her father, but they have dealt with this better than I have. I will give them that. I processed the same as one would having grief from the loss of a loved one who has passed on.

Deep down, we are all hurt by this and may never get over it, but we have all chosen to live life to the fullest.

We have planned to go on a cruise in January 2025 and are all looking forward to it; we would have loved to have her along with us, and we most likely would have helped her pay for some, if not all, of it, but these are the memories she chooses to miss out on.

My new life without my ED

I decided I wasn't decorating this year, and next year I will make new memories/traditions with all new decorations and ways of celebrating. I decided to buy us a huge new tree (we always had a small one) with all the new ornaments for next year. I am hosting Thanksgiving at my house, and I am inviting hubby's family and my family. I am done with traveling all over, and if they don't all come, no big deal. I plan to host it every other year at my place so everyone knows they can come to our place for a nice big meal. I am going all out, making the entire meal myself, and even having games for my great-little nephews and some for us adults. I am actually excited to take it on. This year just wasn't my time, so we made alternative plans for Xmas, and it will be low-key and relaxing, which is what I need most. It does get easier; I know cliche things to say, but it does. Once you decide you are important and deserve happiness and to LIVE for yourself and those around you, it will get easier. And anyone that isn't supportive, be done with them; don't give the ED any more windows into your life. The best thing I did for myself was block her phone number and any other number she called me from. When and if she is ever ready to apologize for the vile things she has accused us of, and only until then will I be open to speaking to her again. For now, my peace is best. 

Could you imagine a parent telling your child I am done with you because of how horrible they were? Imagine parents throwing their children to the wayside the way these kids throw us, parents, away. One day they will be parents, and their own children will have learned that family isn't necessary. Sad thought, indeed. As often as my mother has been toxic, I will never ever push her aside and act as if she doesn't exist. I know how that feels as my daughter has told me she never wants to see me again and that I chose my side. Her misconstrued perception of abuse made to her is all lies instead of just having an adult conversation about how she needs her own space because I was smothering her would have been more the truth. I will admit I had her on a short leash; she was toxic and damaging to herself and everyone around her. She was a thief and a good liar, so good she could convince adults of whatever she thought they wanted to hear; she even got me a few times. I had to walk around on eggshells while she lived in our home. I felt like a prisoner in my own home; it became a place I hated to be, and I wanted to just run away, but I didn't. I stuck it out because I knew one day she would grow up and see the error of her ways, but that day never came. She stole money from our bank account, and we noticed a pattern she would tell a whopper of a lie (she was the victim in her lies) when she had done something terrible. The last big thing right before the abuse accusation was that she stole $1800 from our credit card, and that is when she moved out; she knew she was in a corner, and her only move was to get out.

I hate to say this, but it was a relief. But that was short-lived for me. She lives with an abusive piece of shit; we will not say he is a man; his name is Angel Michel Contreras; he is 22 years old my daughter is 20. She has been offered help to get out more than once, but she won't take the help. He strangled her so bad one night she had to have surgery on her carotid artery. Of course, he won't be charged as she won't tell on him. Why she chooses to live and punish herself is beyond me; we will forgive her when she decides to apologize, and that is all it would take is an apology. I hope she can get away from him once and for all and realize she can be forgiven and she doesn't have to choose such a punishing life.  

The people who choose to believe the lies are only enabling her to keep the lies going. Those people don't trust them.

Some  wise words from an anonymous:

We do our best with what God gives us at that time. No one else has all the pieces to the puzzle, so there is no one but yourself who judges or can judge. What I have seen on this page and what I have been made to endure these years has taught me one major thing; it is not your fault. There is not a lacking in anything you did, and even in our imperfections, there is nothing to deserve abandonment, ostracizing and abuse. You were enough; you are enough. This is a cause-and-effect society, but society has changed in the past decade. With this group, if a handicap is missing, one will be assigned, and history will be fabricated to support it. Blame society, get mad at the entitled kids, and point fingers at their therapist or spouse or Reddit, but do not think you failed in any way or that your best wasn't enough. Unless you abandoned them or ate while they starved, you were the right parent for the job.

I have videos that I made during my lowest point, and I admit to wanting to die in those videos. I have a hard time rewatching them; they remind me of just how low and dark a place I was in. I have since come out of that and found peace in our home's quiet. I no longer feel scared or loathe coming home. I used to sleep with my door locked because she scared me.  It was tough when she lived with us; we never knew when the next thing would happen.  We had to always secure our stuff and diligently lock everything up.  I am much happier not living that chaotic life; this one is much better.  So, estrangement is sometimes a gift, even if we don't realize it initially; once you find peace, you realize she did us a favor by moving out.  I would never wish anything to harm her, and I wish for a life of health and happiness she deserves that we all do.  In the next chapter of my life, I want easy, no toxic relationships, no more exhausting people. I deserve happiness. I did the best I could, and no one can say otherwise because this is my story and my truth!

If there were to be a reconciliation, it would come with serious boundaries and apologies for the horrible things she has said because those things can not be unsaid. Still, we are willing to forgive her and move past it because we love her and always will; she can't take that away from us, no matter how hard she tries.

I have since come to a better place of forgiveness, and if there was ever a reconciliation, I have already forgiven her for everything. Reliving or rehashing the past will not do us any good.  I am ready to apologize for all my wrongdoings. I wasn't perfect, but I truly loved my child the best way I could.  We can not change our past, and we cannot make it go away.  

Narcissists

Narcissists find me somehow, and it's almost like they know I am that person that they can push every button until I explode.

Then they can have their moment to make sure everyone knows what an ass I am, and they will PLAY the victim while I am the asshole for having had enough of the BS and shitty ass treatment from them that no one else seems to see or hear because that's how they work. They won't act that way in front of others. After all, then they can't play that victim card.

I know I am not the only person who has these people that enter their life from time to time. I was due to have another one enter my life yet again. YEAH ME

People who indulge in narcissism and coddle their performance as a victim are called a flying monkey, which is not something to celebrate.

With age and experience, I saw you coming from a mile away. So go ahead and give it your best shot!